Things have been going well lately. So why am I stressed, anxious, and all-around frustrated with everything?
I sat in the doctor’s office the other day texting my good friend C – I was stressing out because I knew he was going to fuss at me about my weight, and I needed someone to keep me calm. She asked me why I was so anxious about everything, and when I thought about it, I realized I didn’t know. I talked to Doug about it when I got home, and he asked me the same question. I had the same response. I DON’T KNOW. There is nothing in my life that should be stressing me out right now. My job is fantastic, my diabetes is under control, our finances are looking up, we have food and a roof over our heads, family that loves us, and friends beyond measure.
So again – the question stands. Why am I so irritable and stressed and annoyed with the world?
One of the things that I’ve really been struggling with since I got out of the hospital in November is my body. I’d lost somewhere between 30-40 pounds since I started having trouble with my pancreas/stomach, and of course not holding down food and water for over a week contributed to that loss. As soon as I got out of the hospital I started eating real (read: not liquid) food again. I’ve been watching my carbs and taking my insulin every day, but I started gaining again because of stress eating. This resulted in weight gain, which leaves me feeling like shit.
I have had a hair-trigger temper which I’ve been trying to keep under control. When I don’t have to go to work, I sit in the livingroom and play on Elita One (my laptop) and generally avoid going outside. And don’t even get me started on the state of the house – we’re supposed to have friends over next weekend for International Tabletop Day and I haven’t cleaned a damn thing. Which stresses me out even more because I only have a week to get the house in presentable order.
I’ve been meaning to work on my writing more, but I start typing things and end up scrapping it because I think it’s awful. A lot of the thoughts that I have while writing are things like “don’t you have something you could be doing” and “why the hell are you bothering, no one’s going to read this crap anyway”.
I don’t know what the hell my mind is doing right now, but it needs to fucking STOP.
One of the main issues I am having lately is comparing myself to others. This has always been an issue for me – I’ve never considered myself as an equal to others, I always consider myself lower. I posted this in my Tumblr back in January and it still stands true today:
I’m constantly comparing myself to my friends and their accomplishments. I constantly feel like I don’t keep up enough, like I could be better, like I can never compare to the awesomeness of the people I know. I always feel mediocre. Perhaps that’s why I talk up what I do and what I’ve done so much. I don’t consider myself narcissistic – I don’t feel like I’m good enough to toot my own horn that much – but I constantly feel the need to at least try and be on the same level as the people I know. Is it a female thing? Is it pressure from society? Is it my own personal need to matter in this world? I can’t tell.
Add that to the constant body issues I have, and the fact that I gained weight back after being in the hospital, and BOOM. Instant recipe for depression and funky feelings.
I’m tired of feeling this way. So, one of the things I’m going to work on in April is taking time and taking care of myself, both mentally and physically. I’ve started a category on this blog called Love Thyself, and I’m going to use it to talk about self-love, self-care, and how I’m going to get out of this nasty self-hatred and anxiety rut. I might see if I can get some friends to blog about it too. Maybe I’ll be able to pinpoint where my stress and anxiety are coming from, or maybe I won’t but I’ll bust myself out of the doldrums I’ve been in since January.
Let’s see how this goes.